Like every other problem, climate change can be solved with economic growth. We have grown our way out of recessions and we will grow our way out of this planet’s inherent limits.
We reject environmental purists who promote extremist views like “no new pipelines” and “people before profits” and “humans depend on the biosphere for survival.”
What’s good for business is good for everyone, so we must not bite the invisible hand that feeds us. Even when the food it's holding is also invisible.
That freedom goes both ways. If workers don’t like a job that pays minimum wage, they should be free to choose another job, like Homelessist, Hunger Technician, or Bindle Assembler.
empowering our youth
Young people must have the opportunity to work in flexible jobs that don’t shackle their youthful spirit with salaries, benefits and dignity.
Big promises like “free tuition” are not only unrealistic, but undesirable. Education is a privilege that should be earned. Like shelter. Or legs.
We don’t need more taxes on the rich, we just need to inspire them to be more generous. Possibly with a series of ghosts who fill them with the Christmas spirit.
We “support” human rights for all* people†.
While we respect Indigenous people for their fun songs and costumes, we need to stop beating ourselves up over ancient history like “cultural genocide” and “actual genocide” and “the legacy of violence and discrimination that continues to this day.” Instead of taking an extremist position like “honour the treaties” let’s incentivize the treaties with boutique tax credits.
Instead of “haves” and “have nots” we want a society of “haves” and “think positive!”s.
Rather than bickering about who gets what slice of the economic pie, let's focus on making a bigger pie. That way the poor can have larger crumbs, and the rich can store any pie they’re too full to eat in offshore tax-sheltered freezers.
The fact is, we’re all in this together, and there's no “wealth redistribution” in “team.”
Markets always deliver goods and services in the most efficient way. Economics is the same whether it’s heart surgery or, say, Doritos. If you need Doritos, you are willing to go bankrupt to get Doritos, because you will die if you don’t have Doritos.
As every grown-up who's watched at least two Die Hards understands, the world is neatly divided into good people and bad people and once we kill all the bad people the world will be good.
We believe that if you’ve done nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide. And if you believe that too, prove it by sending your email and password to email@example.com.
Our military isn’t just a weapon, it’s a healer of the world’s wounds. Because as any good healer knows, the best way to treat a wound is to shoot off the blood with a gun.
Immigrants are the lifeblood of our economies, and that's why we believe that every single one of them should be given the opportunity to purchase a copy of Thomas Friedman’s “The World is Flat” before being deported.
We support free trade agreements that ensure no corporation is a second-class citizen.
We take a principled stand against the slaughter of civilians with nuclear weapons, and that's why we promise that if any nation uses them, we’ll nuke that place to fucking ashes.
However, we firmly oppose a Middle East nuclear weapon free zone. Israel must not give up their peaceful nuclear bombs, which are a crucial deterrent to Iran’s nonexistent nuclear bombs.