Our Friends


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Centrist politicians

These charismatic stage managers for capitalism enchant voters with thrilling tales of the imminent economic prosperity that will grow without limits forever. Their slogans, selfies and well-rehearsed hand gestures help voters understand that better isn't possible, but feeling better is. 

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Donors

Wealthy donors don’t influence centrist politicians, which makes those politicians very trustworthy. So trustworthy, in fact, that it's laughable to suggest that they're influenced by wealthy donors. Some call that "circular reasoning," but we call it "the circumference of truth."

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Focus groups

These meta-citizens are a crucial tool for centrist politicians, ensuring that they always stay in touch with what principles to pretend to have. Their feedback helps transform tactless comments like "Stupid people deserve to be poor" into elegant platitudes like “The only way to move forward is to embrace the strength of tomorrow."

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Saudi Arabia

Yes, it has a human rights record on par with Jabba the Hutt and regularly beheads its own citizens for crimes including sorcery. However, these important allies ensure a thriving demand for our ethically sourced, hand-crafted, farm-to-table iron fragmentation bombs. And obviously, we can't afford to lose them as a key partner in the Global War on Sorcery.