Our Values

 
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Moderation

We oppose extremists on the right who want to murder all non-whites, ground their bones into dust and build a perfect Aryan union fueled by a hatred unimaginably pure.

We also oppose equally extreme movements on the left who want a higher tax rate on incomes over $200,000.

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OPTIMISM

When they go low (point out that neoliberalism can't solve the problems caused by neoliberalism) we go high (insert a stock photo of solar panels).

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TOLERANCE

For all races, genders, creeds, incomes, and human rights abuses by our corporations and allies.

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CIVILITY

The best way to end oppression is to very politely ask oppressors to please stop oppressing you. Also, consider getting them a gift certificate for The Cheesecake Factory. Oppressors love The Cheesecake Factory.   

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NONVIOLENCE

Political progress is best achieved without violence, unless you include carpeting disobedient Middle Eastern countries with 500-pound iron fragmentation bombs because oooh daddy we love those.

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SHOPPING

The most effective kind of democracy is the one where we vote with our dollar, because it rewards the most hardworking people with extra democracy.

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PRUDENCE

If we want to grow the economy enough to reduce poverty, we need to stop blowing money on reducing poverty. 

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OPPORTUNITY

No citizen should be deprived of the right to be trapped in an unending cycle of high-interest debt.

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REALISM

If voters don't compromise most of their cherished principles, they risk ending up with a leader who doesn’t share most of their cherished principles.

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POWER

Because at the end of the day, what good are values if they stop you from winning?