We oppose extremists on the right who want to murder all non-whites, ground their bones into dust and build a perfect Aryan union fueled by a hatred unimaginably pure.
We also oppose equally extreme movements on the left who want a higher tax rate on incomes over $200,000.
When they go low (point out that neoliberalism can't solve the problems caused by neoliberalism) we go high (insert a stock photo of solar panels).
For all races, genders, creeds, incomes, and human rights abuses by our corporations and allies.
The best way to end oppression is to very politely ask oppressors to please stop oppressing you. Also, consider getting them a gift certificate for The Cheesecake Factory. Oppressors love The Cheesecake Factory.
Political progress is best achieved without violence, unless you include carpeting disobedient Middle Eastern countries with 500-pound iron fragmentation bombs because oooh daddy we love those.
The most effective kind of democracy is the one where we vote with our dollar, because it rewards the most hardworking people with extra democracy.
If we want to grow the economy enough to reduce poverty, we need to stop blowing money on reducing poverty.
No citizen should be deprived of the right to be trapped in an unending cycle of high-interest debt.
If voters don't compromise most of their cherished principles, they risk ending up with a leader who doesn’t share most of their cherished principles.
Because at the end of the day, what good are values if they stop you from winning?